sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
