my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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