Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
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