i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
Randomize
