Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
