Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
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