Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
