I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
You work out of a Hotel?
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Randomize
