i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
3 2 1 whiskey
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
