I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
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