she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
