And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Randomize
