Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
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