Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
my nose is crying tears of wow.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Randomize
