Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Randomize
