I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
