um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize