apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
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