so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Randomize
