You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
