her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
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