Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
