I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize
