I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Randomize
