I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
