I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Dear god my vagina.
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