Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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