but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
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