even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I smell like Dick and happiness
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