did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
