Do you still have your period?
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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