why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
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