So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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