don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Randomize
