I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
