I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
