I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
