I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
