you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
