I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize
