My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
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