Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
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