whats the name of the jew you used to have sex with that lives on evergreen?
be more specific...?
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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