I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Randomize
