How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Randomize
