just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Randomize
