OMg patrick swayze is the sexuest man he is killing me I'm gonna get dehydrated if I don't stop looking at him
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
