mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I FOUND THE LEGS
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
