I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
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