So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
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