if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Randomize
