I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
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