She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
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