I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
i need some magic done to my vagina
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize