Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Randomize
