Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
